A Conversation Between Poker Gods

Set up in their Monitoring Station on the dark side of the moon, the Poker Gods are monitoring several thousand poker games that are being played on a typical Friday night all over the Earth.

Zavdefrens: Hey Phago quick come here. Look, on this monitor.

Phago: Is that our boy Alex?

Zavdefrens: Yeah, and guess who he’s in the hand with…, his old man.

Phago: Are you gonna fuck with senior again? I thought we were giving him a break after what we did to him three years ago.

Zavdefrens: C’mon Phages, where’s your sense of fun and adventure? Of course we’re gonna fuck with him! On the other hand, I think we need to give Mauro a break now. How long have we been tormenting him now?

Phago: Hmmmmm, about 6 years. But try telling that to Queemr, I swear to Abduzon that he’s got a personal grudge against the poor bastard.

Zavdefrens: Sigh, will they ever learn. Now Alex, he knows a thing or two about how to appease us. They could certainly  learn from him.

Queemr: What are you two rocket scientists talking about?

Grand Inquisitor Peenux: Hey Queems, I’ve warned you before about being a dick.

Queemr: I was just….., alright alright.

Phago: Ummm, we were just talking about how Alex Fernandes from Earth Sector 2777…

Queemr: We all know where Alex is from you idiot! He is after all, our boy!

G. I. Peenux: Queemr!!

Queemr: Sorry boss. Yeah, that boy’s got it right. If everyone else sacrificed 3 goats and 1 herring every Thursday night at our alter, which by the way, he had custom built of Argonian Zynthite all the way from Belethor Argonis 3, then we would have a more balanced outcome in our decisions.

Zavdefrens: Oh, you mean the one he had built at his place, or the older one on the edge of the Mt. Baker crater?

Queemr: You simpleton fuck, of course I’m talking about his home one. SORRY Grand Inquisitor.

G.I Peenux: Hmmmph!

Phago: Oh man, that thing’s impressive! How can we not love him! Especially when he lights the alter fire while dressed up like Elizabeth Taylor and doing the PeeWee Herman dance on top of the bald tattooed guy with the pierced nipples.

All: How can you not love that?

Zavdefrens: Yeah, those idiots Carlos, Mauro, Chris and Eric will never understand what it truly means to love us.

G.I. Peenux: …and so they will continue to suffer. Status quo gentlemen, status quo. Now, enough lollygagging, back to work ya bums.

Queemr: (whispers) I’m not voting for him anymore.

No offence Alex, I’m just having some fun with you. :). Speaking of Alex, the game will be at his place on Friday.

Sireel’s Stats: POKER 2014

In honor of two of my favourite funny ladies, one just passed away and the other very much alive. I present to you…

Sarah Silverman, and drumroll please…

… Betty White

See you all on Friday

Eel Out!!

Ok, Ok, No More Points!

You guys are pains in the ass! Since nobody can agree on a points system, it will be eliminated for NEXT YEAR. We cannot change trophy qualifications part way through the year. What I did change was the elimination of the 1 point for losing (as mentioned in last week’s blog). The point totals have been updated and adjusted as of this week’s stats.

As president of this esteemed poker club I do have a veto on final decisions. I have followed Congress’ (that’s you lot) recommendations re. eliminating the points, but I do believe we should still have a possibility of two people winning the trophy and so, I have a new proposal. In lieu of points, I say we also award the player with the best winning % at the end of the year. C’mon you bastards, how can you argue with that? The guy with the best winning % deserves recognition dammit! I would like your agreement on this but I am prepared to use my veto vote. Be warned. So besides the fact that you are all gay, I hope we can come to a mutual consensus and not have to resort to pointless name-calling, like calling each other gay for example.

Ummmm, the game is at Mr. Chan’s House of Sugary Donuts, which reminds me, his picture has been posted on the Players Page.

SpiC’s Stats: POKER 2014

New feature – Pixies of the 60’s. 1st up: Ursula Andress, one of the most beautiful women not only of the 60’s but of all time. Born in Switzerland, she was the original Bond Girl in “Dr. No”. Here she is in her prime, and now at 78 years old.

Eel Out

 

Worst Year Ever

Yup, it’s confirmed, I’m now down over $300, which officially makes this my worst year ever…, and it’s not even over yet. Whoa is me. I know, Ken will say “that’s nothin’ ya pussy! What about the year I was down $9000 and change!!!”. But Ken’s used to being a pathetic loser at poker and I’m not. So I’ve pretty well given up on 2014, but next year I’ll be back in winning form, you’ll see…, YOU’LL ALL SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cue Vincent Price laughing).

So anyway, there’s no fucking way I should be in 3rd place in points, so I propose a change to replace something that never should have been implemented in the first place. I speak of the 1 point for showing up. I feel that if you lose, you should get nothing, nada, nyet, fuck you, you suck. With this re-adjustment, the ones who lose the most are Mauro, me and Chris, which is fair because we have lost the most games this year. Check out the Points Total adjustment that I made in the stats and tell me if you agree that this is a much better representation of points distribution. I really really really really, REALLY!!! need your feedback on this. The question is: should we eliminate the 1 point for showing up and losing? Yes or No. Anyone who does not respond to this will be hounded relentlessly until I get an answer. Don’t test me, I can be relentless you know.

This Friday, game is at Keith’s. He will be on call, so if he does get called out to work it just means we can raid his fridge and pantry, and make sexual advances towards his pets ( I call dibs on the bird).

Spic’s Stats: POKER 2014

Ladies of the 80’s: Debbie Harry then and now.

By the way, Alex and I are going skydiving in September. Anyone else?

Till next time, Sireel out.

 

Happy Hetero Pride Week!

Yes, I hereby declare this week to be Happy Hetero Week. Parade to be announced. Heck why shouldn’t we have a week dedicated to a celebration of our sexual orientation too? I know, I know, the LGBTG community will tell me that we aren’t persecuted like they were (or are), and I suppose they’d be correct in saying so. But, I think we should be able to publicly express our love of the pussy and all surrounding areas. This is coming from a male perspective of course, the girls can celebrate what they enjoy, you know, men doing housework, etc., etc.

By the way, here is Ken’s rebuttal to Chris’ blog last week:

“Chris, well done, slightly embellished.  Today is your lucky day.  I will spare you my poisonous pen.  FYI, it is a known fact acknowledged by North American Insurance companies that white males 18-34 are the worst drivers! Meanwhile, my boy wants to have a word with you! ”  Not So Angry Asian 

Nice to see the kid standing up for his old man. I, however am slightly disappointed. When Ken said he was gonna write a rebuttal, I thought “Awesome! We get to see some of Ken’s classic acid wit”. Sigh, I guess he really has mellowed out…, ‘not so angry’ indeed, I guess Karson’s the angry one now.

Here’s a breakdown of where we’ve played so far this year: Ken 6x, Bob & Murray 5x, Chris & Keith 4x, Me 3x, Dave 2x, and Paul & Alex 1x. So, the schedule should be as follows: Me this Friday, then Keith, then Chris, then me again, just to bring us all to 5x. We can then do the regular rotation with Ken bringing up the rear. I also need to know now if Paul and Alex want to be included in the rotation as well.

The stats: POKER 2014

Can you guys believe Dave is in 2nd place???!!! Dave!!! Dave Reid!!! Yeah, that Dave!!!! WTF??!!!

Ladies of the 80’s part 3: The angelic Phoebe Cates, then…

and now at the age of 51, still very young-looking:

That’s all folks. Eel out.

 

Chris’ First Blog

Take it away Chris:

After wrapping up a quick meeting downtown I met up with a guy from work for lunch in Yale town. We get lunch to go and grab a seat along the sea wall. Beautiful woman running, seniors walking, parents and children riding bikes along the sea wall. Truly a great place for lunch.

From a distance I hear two Asians taking the piss out of each other so I turn around and I see one guy looking the part of biker/athlete an the another gentleman not so much. In fact, my first thought was, wow, imagine being that old and just learning to ride a bike. Good for him. He had it all going on.. Ball cap, helmet 2 sizes too big, sun glasses, gloves, and covered head to toe in reflectors. He looked very…special.

As they came closer the bench beside us started the chant of “mandlebaum! mandlebaum!” The caretaker looked up and yelled out “it’s Chris!” Sure enough this was our good friends Murray and Ken. Murray, with the poise and balance of an ex rower hits the brakes, jumps off the bike and starts walking over. Meanwhile our special friend Ken, slams on the front brakes, goes over the handle bars like superman and manages to land on his left elbow, right knee and ribs with one shot. For such a small man, he managed to make quite the thud.

Credit to our special friend, he pops up and begins scrapping his pride, blood and skin off of the sidewalk. Before Murray and I could stop laughing a faint voice came from the distance “are you okay sir!? As the great grandpa shuffled along the path, he continued to comfort Ken with his kind words “I want you to stop and sit down for a moment. This has happened to me before. Us old guys need to take it easy you know!” Senior Kenny was able to use his best “I’m not really going for a flush poker face” and brushed the old man off and within seconds, was looking for the corner store to buy some magic spray for his wounds. Aka, a bathroom he could go cry in.

Moments later, he returns. Eyes a little red, pride and ego slightly damaged, and blood still pouring from the open wounds. He hopped on his bike and rode off into the sunset. Hopefully he stopped off at the bike store down the road to pick up some training wheels and made it home alright.

And I thought Asians on 4 wheels was scary…

Kapowww!

Stats: POKER 2014

Game at the House of Carlos (for sure this time). Limit of 10 players.

Ladies of the 80’s:  Madonna at the tender age of 21

Madonna now:

Til next week, Eel out.

BAM!!

Damn, Mauro almost lost it again on Friday, but to his credit, and a little tension release from a few well-placed BAM’s, he kept his temper in check. He started winning after that, including a friggin’ full-house on the turn against my flopped flush. Me, I prefer to take a 10-15 minute break from the game to collect my thoughts, and that usually works. For eg. I’m down $110, I take a break and proceed to win back $90 by the end of the night. Eric suggested that had we played longer, I would have come all the way back and then some. But for Mauro, the BAM! works, good for him because we all need something to revitalize ourselves.

Now, let’s talk about apathy. What the fuck, guys? Get involved in this blog too. I’m doing this so we can all have a forum to discuss ideas and have some fun insulting each other. So get the fuck involved. Ken….., Keith….., Chris….., Murray. I’m talking to you guys specifically, and to everybody else in general. The only one who has an excuse is Dave because he has no computer and is a Tech Retard. You guys are gonna make me lose interest in this again. And if I don’t post anything worthy of discussion, well, you fucking write something then. Bunch-a-cunts.

So, how do you buncha c-words blow off steam after a few bad losses? Or if that’s too boring for y’all, tell me what you think about old guys going BAM! in the Italian Parliament?

Other news: Several of us believe that the culprit for last week’s $20 shortage was Chris. Why? Ken was the last one to get a sugar packet representing $20 and he gave his chips to Chris because he was the last one to re-buy. Coupled with the fact that Murray was out of the room, the money was not collected and recorded. If we can have an agreement that this is what happened especially from Chris himself, that would be BAM! worthy.

So here are the cunting stats, and you can all go fuck yourselves: POKER 2014

My new segment: Girls of the 80’s. First up, who can forget the delicious Samantha Fox.  Then……

And now……

Eel out!

Bad Beats

Post Your Worst Bad Beat: If there’s one thing poker players want to talk about, it’s bad beats. Walk around town one day wearing a Pokerstars t-shirt, and someone will come up to you and ask if you play online poker. More than likely, the very next words out of their mouths will be telling you about how their aces got cracked the night before. Poker players remember specific bad beats a long time after they happen, and just love to tell anyone who will listen all about how they got their money in as a 95% favourite. So here’s your chance boys. Mine would have to have been when I hit Kings over Aces and lost to Alex’s Royal Flush a few years back at Jack’s place. I remember that it was prominently featured in that week’s blog, lol. Tell us about yours. Was it at our games or somewhere else?

Der Schtats: POKER 2014

… and in honour of my current computer game addiction (Skyrim):

Game is at Murray’s this coming Friday because things are a tad frosty between the wife and I, and I want her to cook some nice edibles for us when we do play at my place which will be the following week. Here’s hoping she’ll warm up by then. See you all at The Weasel’s.

Eel out.