The Bizarre Ramblings of The Law.

1 06 2014

The Front Bottoms
Verified account
‏‪@TheFrontBottoms
Hi guys. We’re going on a national Say Anything tour, and we’re looking for two oil boys who can grease us off… ‪  http://fb.me/6HOHb3DT2

 

First off, this is my first ever posting. I think I have taken on every other kind of literary form there is, even made good money at some of them, but gimme a big fuckin’ break if you think I can fill Carlos’ size 69 XXX shoes.

I appreciate the opportunity to contribute while the jack into Carlos’ medulla oblongata takes its bi-weekly cool down period (and don’t just unplug it this time, Carlos – Jesus Christ wash it off for fuck’s sake!!).

One housekeeping matter this before I get into poker next month: the highly talented New Jersey band “The Front Bottoms” are looking, as the ad says, for a couple of talented oil boys to help grease them off.

I am probably the only guy at our table with professional grease off experience, so I will give this one a pass in order to give others an opportunity to truly reach for the glory hole. I’m selfless like that – and now career and a seat at the Round Table of Greasing Excellence are available to anyone brave enough to seize the thong moment.

Having spent twenty years at the Table with the likes of Lars “40 Weight” Johansson and the legendary Randolph “Grease Fire” Johansson (coincidentally, not related, though they do maintain a registered domestic partnership recognized in both Stockholm and Malibu County), let me tell you that the global fraternity of oil boys is a highly selective fraternity. Being an oil boy is to enter one of the world’s great professions that, like the burgeoning field of international human rights law, makes a daily and very dramatic difference in the lives of the world’s most oppressed and disadvantaged people, especially those with very dry skin.

For my part, having experienced the highs – the lows – and, above all, the high viscosity lifestyle of an oil boy on the road with both Danish supermodels (lovely to look at, but lousy tippers) and the Thunder from Down Under (didn’t anyone “brief” these guys on North American sexual harassment laws????JESUS!!!), I am happy to pass on the thong torch to the next generation.

Also my wrists are very sore from my last two oil boy gigs (confidential client list but here’s a hint for anyone who cares: Clinton Foundation).

I would be happy to suggest any of you for this gig, but I tip my hat toward Keith and Bob because they are consistent winners at the table and having them away on the “camino del margarino” for two months will give those of us with more erratic track records a chance to relocate our winning ways.

Bob and Keith: if you are up for it, let me know. I can hand over my personal oil boy kit and thong and also get you in touch with the oil boy union in Palm Springs. You’ll be on permittee status for your first week, then move up to apprentice by the end of the tour. The only rule I follow is that if a client wants you to grease them down before a performance or runway show, and they say that they want you to wear a banana hammock while doing it? RUN, do not walk, because they do not really have a performance or runway show at all, and are trying to trick you into a free grease down (fuck you, Kate Moss, I will never work with you again, you two bit slag. On behalf of all pro oil boys everywhere, I hope your skin gets really, really flaky).

Canucks in five!

Stats: POKER 2014

“The Law” has made his case.

PS. Eric is offering this complimentary hat to any and all volunteers. images

Game is at Chris’s house.

Eel out!!

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29 responses

1 06 2014
sireelpoker

By the way, new pics posted in ‘The Players’ Section.

1 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS

Here’s the latest video from the Band:

One more oil boy tip: never forget to bring a towel, especially for clients with thick and matted back hair.

Yes, I’m talking about you, Kate Moss – ya hoooooooor.

BRAVEFLAPS AKA THE LAW AKA MEGA GRUNTIES OVERLORD 2000

2 06 2014
Robert the Bruce

Not bad Eric for a first go.What a crazy poker night I have never seen so many pots that large pre-flop. The chips were moving all over the place except the EELS way. The walk of shame board will be up at Chris’s basement for all you re-buyers.

2 06 2014
The master

The Law has spoken and, as usual, we are all confused. Who are the oil men? Who and why do they want to be greased? Why should Bob and Keith wear a thong? (and that one is particularly disgusting) Miss my youth… in the 18 hundreds things were so easy to understand!!! By the way, last time I used the term of endearement “Morons” I got into real shit. So no wonder I am gun shy. All I can say is: put a lawyer on the podium and nobody gets enlightened, no free rides, unless of course there is financial incentive!!! Good job Eric. Last but very important: Where are the chicks with the nice cheeks?

2 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS

Four very hot chicks for the Master.

2 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS

OOPS!!

Apologies: they are at the link below (not the first two babes, but wait until @20 seconds in. Enjoy. All confusion will be dispelled by 40 seconds in.

You’re welcome.

And here is the band you have to grease up:

I would do it but – like I said – really, really sore wrists.

3 06 2014
GarCIA, while reaching for the 10w-30 asks:

So LawMan, when you say “jack into” is that some kind of Matrix thing ?

Also what if your wrists have reduced mobility because of, lets say, a golf injury ?
(I launched a 450+ yarder once, huuuge drive, the violent nature of the impact fused parts of my wrists)

And if I read this backwards is there some hidden oily message ?

GarCIA “allHands” Manuel Javier Jean-Luc
Mission: To Boldly go were no Oil Boy has gone before

PS, I say we launch Portugal into outer space, the hole frackin land mass, maybe even Brazil, make room for some water, we could always use more beaches in Espana.
Its not like there’s a lot of contribution there.They can’t even do soccer right. They think that if your hair doesn’t move or has the appearance of plastic your a great soccer player. That alone, I say push the button

That guys hair hasn’t moved in what seems like forever.

Vamos A La Playa !

3 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS

Is this what they call Porto-Pop?

Is it supposed to give you diarrhoea??

3 06 2014
GarCIA at approx

local time, response

Here’s a sing along to test drive
Don’t forget to position yourself in line with the door, just incase.
Where you see X2 X3 you repeat the lines, proceed with caution, this is were the trauma could multiply resulting in the loss of the back end.

And LawMan, your proceeding at your own risk, I ass-ume no responsibility.

3 06 2014
The master

That is not funny. Aviary was the last thing in my mind.

3 06 2014
sireelpoker

Nice, but I prefer 4 naked chicks in a hottub!
https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/522398976/h6C049A0B/

and Mr. Garcia, because I’m a classic rock kind of guy, I prefer the classic version.

3 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS THE INTOLERANT

Dance. Clinic.

Watch and learn.

3 06 2014
GarCIA agrees

Eel, not only are the Italians a great soccer nation, but they can whip up some great classical tunes

Hey why don’t we all learn some Italian in preparation of the World Cup, were the Italians, not the Portogooses, the Italians hoist the cup

3 06 2014
The master

Mr Garcia, whoever you are I think you are more confused then I am. If it wasnt for Portuguese help, stiff hair and all, you wouldnt probably show on the soccer scene. Am I wrong? Push the Portuguese into the sea? We have willingly gone out there for over 500 years my friend… never drowned yet.

3 06 2014
GarCIA the Apprentice

Mr Master
500 years !!!!,… and all we have is Cristiano Hair Gel and no… wait for it.
No World Cup

3 06 2014
Robert the Bruce

Where is this all going?

3 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS THE INTOLERANT

It sounds like someone is going sailing or swimming or maybe to the beach. You, however, should take the oil boy gig.

4 06 2014
sireelpoker

Jack! What an awesome comeback, I love it! Mr. Garcia is none other than Mauro, who’s still pissed off that his Roman ancestors lost a treasure like Portugal. You had us once, but you let us go, and now we’re never coming back. 😛

4 06 2014
sireelpoker

You say no World Cup for Portugal so far? I can’t argue that. But let me counter with this. Brazil is populated with Portuguese blood. No World Cup for Portugal, but many World Cups for the Portuguese. Ha ha!

5 06 2014
GarCIA, Exposing the SpaceMan Incident

SuperEel, I knew you were going to use what is now known as the BRAZILIAN INCIDENT as your escapegoat

The Romans aren’t in the habit of letting things go without reason.
What you failed to mention, is that the latest Dead Sea Scrolls tell that during the Prometheus style event on this planet, the SpaceMan responsible for the Lab that day instead of using the garbage can dumped the defective genetic material on what is today known as Portugal. The Romans caught wind of this and decided to sever relations before things got out of hand. Can’t blame them, most would of.

The BRAZILIAN INCIDENT
Nothing more than the portogeese trying to correct the SpaceMans error by merging with some unsuspecting Indians. The superior Indian genetics thou proved to be to much for the weak defective porto-genes so the consequences were virtually zero. Current studies show that the only trait left from the porto-genes is a better Hair Style. Porto-blood amounts to no more then better hair, doesn’t exist in any higher functions.

Lets not forget that the Brazilian greats were inspired by the Itailian Soccer Scene

So taking this true and factual data into account, backed up by the SpaceMan who broke protocol (apparently he was late for dance class) we have
The Italians 9 – because of inspiration
The Portos 0
or you could say
many World Cups for the Brazilian Indians with Porto Hair inspired by the Italians

So please lets get the facts right, this data could go viral.
Lets make sure the future has the correct data

GarCIA
Just setting the record straight

The great colonizing was nothing more than a motivation to correct the SpaceMan Incident, they wanted to be more, then about Hair.

4 06 2014
The master

I think this is the “Year”. I say we stab all the Waps with Ronado’s hair!!!

4 06 2014
romthehacker

I love how this thread has gone from greasing bodies to greasy hair.

By the way, I heard that the Christina Ronaldo hair helmet is actually a riveted wig made from his own pubes.

5 06 2014
GarCIA

And I apologize for that LawMan, but this is what happens when you put Portugal and World Cup in the same sentence, all the porto-people either become defensive or Brazilian Nationals

As far Cristiano R’s Hair, I don’t known how this guy doesn’t get red carded off the soccer pitch for cheating. If a baseball pitcher greases the baseball he’s out of the game for changing the air dynamics of the ball. If C R goes for a header the ball picks up hair gel and also changes in air dynamics. WTF

GarCIA
Lets keep soccer hair gel free

5 06 2014
The master

Why is it that bald people have such an aversion to Ronaldo’s hair. You are partialy right romthehacker, but the pubes are from his well-put-together model girlfriend. Dyed from the original blonde, of course.

5 06 2014
The master

Hhy is it that Mauro has chosen a portuguese alias? From the greek GAR for station, point of origen etc, and CIA (not to be confused for CIO = animal procriation instinct) meaning a group of 3 or more individuals bent on controlling the world. The name has losely been connected to a modern institution with the same malefic intentions. Good taste but wrong choice Mauro. Keep watching Ronaldo’s hair…. eventually it will move, I am sure.

5 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS THE INTOLERANT

WORLD CUP SOCCER: BRAZIL V CROATIA FREE ON THE BIG SCREEN

FYI at VIFF downtown

Thu. Jun 12, 12:30pm

150 min.

Come watch the opening game of the 2014 FIFA World Cup Soccer on the big screen! Free and open to all—no membership required.

5 06 2014
GarCIA from Soccer Central

Oh here we go
Reports are that Cristiano R is going to miss a pregame with the Mexicans and there’s a great chance that he’s going to be a no show at the World Cup because his doctor told him he needs rest.

It must be exhaustion from the weight of the Gel in his Hair.
Now if he was bald he’d have no problem

GarCIA
SoSad that we won’t be seeing Cristiano R’s Hair move in the Brazilian sun

CR Bailing from yet another world cup

5 06 2014
The master

Where is this big screen?

5 06 2014
BRAVEFLAPS THE INTOLERANT

1181 Seymour Street
Vancouver, BC
CANADA V6B 3M7

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