Poker sucks, so here are some jokes.

25 05 2014

A couple of  good poker jokes:

“That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,” the housewife told a neighbor. “You didn’t do it, did you?” “I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!”

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

Gambling Quotes:
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.   Steven Wright
Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing.   Dutch Boyd
If you’re playing a poker game and look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.   Paul Newman.
I borrowed Stewie’s time machine and took a picture of my chip stack as of next Friday at Bob’s. Just giving you all fair warning.cutcaster-photo-100619209-Big-stack-of-cips
The stats: POKER 2014
Eel out.
Advertisements




Dave’s First Post

17 05 2014

I know it’s crazy, but I’ve actually convinced Spaceman Dave to write this week’s blog. Take it away Dave!
This is the Council of Love meditation to guide you in anchoring your sacred self in the Divine Mother’s Tsunami of Love. The more often you do this meditation the more potent it will become. You are anchoring and activating not only for your sacred self but for the collective of humanity. There are many who have gone through the ascension portal and have basically turned around and come back with the additional insight, energy and paradigm to assist with the rest of humanity, because that is the agreement.

The unity, the heart consciousness, the ability to create and to co-create with us? Yes. But it is not to wake up and find yourself. It is an expansion, expansion, expansion, until, because you are flying so fast and so high, you simply fly through that portal. And the human collective has put the proviso, or the desire to the Mother directly that they would like to do that together. But it is the journey. It is the tools, it is the understanding. It is ‘I have the understanding and therefore I am ascending. The Mother has revealed that she………, Oh fuck it! Why should I care if you guys don’t. Fine! You heathen communists can rot in the dirt with your soulless carcasses. I know where I’ll be! I’ll be ascending through the portal of the Eternal Mother’s Tsunami of Love!! …. And deal me some fucking Aces too will ya? And dammmmit, NO WILD CARDS!!!! I’ll get you bastards!! I’m done with writing this blog!! To hell with all-a-ya!!

 

Wow, Dave, relax buddy. Go into the light and find your chakra again. Now breathe…, good man. While Dave is relaxing I will bring up a very ugly incident last night.  I looks like an old familiar specter has decided to rear up its ectoplasmic head and remind us once again of the sad days of 2010-2011. I speak of course of a series of hands that were played that culminated in the hand of the running Kings. We were all there and we all saw what happened. The fact that chips and cards didn’t go flying was a testament to Mauro’s new-found ability to control his temper. As to the donkey-ness of a certain son-of-mine, all I can say is that I hope this is an isolated incident and that the Poker Gods have not decided to renew their love affair with Mr. Beef. For those of you who were not there during the aforementioned sad days of 2010-2011, this kind of un-natural shit used to occur on a weekly basis. Since that time, Alex has reverted back to his mortal self and subsequently has become a much more pleasant person to play against at the table. Everyone gets to have at least one lucky-as-shit night and for our sanity’s sakes I hope this was an isolated occurrence.

Now, Alex, before you get all defensive on me let me state that the reason I’m focusing on you again is because of the way these hands went down. A $30 bet against a previously aggressively betting Eric and he folds a better hand to your pocket twos. Fair enough, well played. But then a $30 bet against an equally aggressively betting Mauro and he calls because he’s thinking “there’s just NO FUCKING WAY  that he’s got me beat on this hand”, and then you pull a set of running Kings out of your ass to beat his set of 10’s. It was a cruel way to win and it left us all sadly smiling, shaking our heads and thinking wow. here we go again. Anyway, you’ve had a very lackluster year so far and I don’t wanna get down on you, so enjoy this big win, for what it’s worth. Just don’t enjoy it too often.

Well, that’s it for my weekly gripe. We need nick-names for Paul, Chris and Murray (Poker Face? The Weasel?). Please send in suggestions, as continuing to call them Assholes is just not right! Tune in again next week where (hopefully) Eric (The Lawyer) Wolfharde will bless us with his humour and compositional skills. Until then, I remain your humble servant. Ok Dave, you can go home now.

Der schtats: POKER 2014

Pic of the week. liv-boeree-poker-babe-top-list-female-players

Eel out.





Democracy at its (un)finest.

11 05 2014

Winston Churchill once said that democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others that have been tried. On Friday night it was well demonstrated, as the lowest common denominator won out on our games vote. No more different types of poker games, only Texas Hold’em (yawwwwwwwn). How’s this for an analogy: A radio station manager ponders what kind of music his station is gonna play. Classic Rock? Nu Metal? “Too noisy” yell out a few people. Country? Christian? “Hate it” yell a few others. Dance? Electronica? “We’ll pass” yell a few others. This goes on for awhile and finally, in exasperation, the station manager says “fine, we’ll play soft rock as that will offend the least number of people”. Can you imagine if we lived in a world where everything was ruled by the lowest common denominator? I think I’d rather be dead. In my opinion, I think our group suffers from a lack of imagination, adventure and creativity. You know who you are.

On a different note it was nice to see Dave back and contributing money to our cause again. What would we do without guys like our beloved Dave to keep the rest of us positive in our poker stats. Thank you Kenny, for using your magic diplomatic skills in bringing him back. I was reading some of the old blogs and comments and I came across this old gem from Ronnie which I’d like to repost again. It went like this: “Emotion does run high at times but wtf ; we are not robots nor do we have pointy ears and God, what do you expect when you mix up Portuguese, Italians, Asian, Irish and Scots in a room with money at stake. Some might say a battle royale or cage match. I say all things considered we keep it pretty low key.” We all miss you buddy, RIP my old friend.

The game will be at my humble abode next week, and remember that I can only seat 10 max. so let me know if anyone else besides Murray wants to skip a game. No change in leaders as Paul and I are still ahead. PS. Ken, please have that trophy fixed by the next time we play at your place.

Stats: POKER 2014

Pic of the week: 4aca0764c684a

Eel out.





Insert Blog Title Here

5 05 2014

Aaaaiiiight bitches, we have a new points leader…, yeah, me! It’s been awhile since I’ve lead anything, and with Lum and Mauro winning last year we see that anything is in fact possible. Funny game isn’t it? One month ago I couldn’t buy a fucking break. In 3 weeks I’d lost $300, and now, in the last 4 weeks I’ve won $450. Thank you Poker Gods for listening to my incessant whining.

And Ian, wtf? All work and no play makes Ian a goof! Put the pants back on dude.  Re last week’s post, do you guys even care? Or should we just play boring ol’ Hold’em ALL THE FRIKKIN’ TIME from now on. C’mon guys, give a shit and give me your opinions. What else….., oh yeah, game is at Kenny’s.

Stats: POKER 2014

Pic of the week: poker-babe-211686aEEL Out!