The Front Bottoms
Hi guys. We’re going on a national Say Anything tour, and we’re looking for two oil boys who can grease us off… http://fb.me/6HOHb3DT2
First off, this is my first ever posting. I think I have taken on every other kind of literary form there is, even made good money at some of them, but gimme a big fuckin’ break if you think I can fill Carlos’ size 69 XXX shoes.
I appreciate the opportunity to contribute while the jack into Carlos’ medulla oblongata takes its bi-weekly cool down period (and don’t just unplug it this time, Carlos – Jesus Christ wash it off for fuck’s sake!!).
One housekeeping matter this before I get into poker next month: the highly talented New Jersey band “The Front Bottoms” are looking, as the ad says, for a couple of talented oil boys to help grease them off.
I am probably the only guy at our table with professional grease off experience, so I will give this one a pass in order to give others an opportunity to truly reach for the glory hole. I’m selfless like that – and now career and a seat at the Round Table of Greasing Excellence are available to anyone brave enough to seize the thong moment.
Having spent twenty years at the Table with the likes of Lars “40 Weight” Johansson and the legendary Randolph “Grease Fire” Johansson (coincidentally, not related, though they do maintain a registered domestic partnership recognized in both Stockholm and Malibu County), let me tell you that the global fraternity of oil boys is a highly selective fraternity. Being an oil boy is to enter one of the world’s great professions that, like the burgeoning field of international human rights law, makes a daily and very dramatic difference in the lives of the world’s most oppressed and disadvantaged people, especially those with very dry skin.
For my part, having experienced the highs – the lows – and, above all, the high viscosity lifestyle of an oil boy on the road with both Danish supermodels (lovely to look at, but lousy tippers) and the Thunder from Down Under (didn’t anyone “brief” these guys on North American sexual harassment laws????JESUS!!!), I am happy to pass on the thong torch to the next generation.
Also my wrists are very sore from my last two oil boy gigs (confidential client list but here’s a hint for anyone who cares: Clinton Foundation).
I would be happy to suggest any of you for this gig, but I tip my hat toward Keith and Bob because they are consistent winners at the table and having them away on the “camino del margarino” for two months will give those of us with more erratic track records a chance to relocate our winning ways.
Bob and Keith: if you are up for it, let me know. I can hand over my personal oil boy kit and thong and also get you in touch with the oil boy union in Palm Springs. You’ll be on permittee status for your first week, then move up to apprentice by the end of the tour. The only rule I follow is that if a client wants you to grease them down before a performance or runway show, and they say that they want you to wear a banana hammock while doing it? RUN, do not walk, because they do not really have a performance or runway show at all, and are trying to trick you into a free grease down (fuck you, Kate Moss, I will never work with you again, you two bit slag. On behalf of all pro oil boys everywhere, I hope your skin gets really, really flaky).
Canucks in five!
Stats: POKER 2014
“The Law” has made his case.
PS. Eric is offering this complimentary hat to any and all volunteers.
Game is at Chris’s house.